Time issues, or are they missing a shared vision?

From livejournal:

How do you resolve the issues of the single OSO wanting more time with your primary partner?

On the one hand, I don’t want to limit his visits with her but on the other hand, I start to feel as if our family is suffering because he’s not around, and I wonder if she respects our marriage or is just putting up with the “poly thing” to get to date a married man. I don’t want to have to TELL him when he can and cannot go visit his OSO because well, I’m not his mother, but I also feel a duty to say “too much”.

Full thread: “Time Issues”

I think this is more of a “shared vision” issue than a time issue. There will always be time issues, but I think we really need to have a shared vision in place first, and then the priorities become clear.  Once these are agreed upon, you will both have the same “measuring stick”.

You both want to be good parents, and you both want to be able to enjoy your outside relationships. If you talk about how much you think you should *both* be home with the kids to have good family time, then how much time you should each have to be able to create and maintain your outside relationships, you should both realize (for example) that maybe 3 nights a week are family nights, plus a full day including dinner every weekend, that leaves 3 nights a week open, which you can share, maybe you each get two nights off, trading child care, and one night a week where you get a babysitter and both get to go out.

Of course, if you don’t agree on family time and shared responsibilities and equal outside dating, that’s another conversation which I’ll write soon, called “What’s your commitment?”

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